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America’s Mortgage Broker Humor. Yo, Joe Homebuyer

admin — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:15:00 +0000

Yo, Joe Homebuyer! Where ya been?

I am writing this to all of the home buyers out there. I’m calling you Joe so if your name is Susan, Elijah, Maricela, or Bob, don’t be offended. Joe is easy to remember and type. Your last name may be different but for today your last name is Homebuyer. So, this letter is for you, Joe Homebuyer.

Anyway, how have you been ? We’ve missed you a lot this year in the housing market, Joe. I know that we’ve had a heckuva party the first five years of the decade and frankly, it might have gotten a little too crazy for you. Sorry about that. You know how it is when that cheap money keeps flowing like a keg at a frat party; nobody ever knows when to say when. Some of us didn’t see you slip out the back door when that groovy band, The Speculators, came in and started selling homes to each other last year. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you good bye and get your phone number. I really wanted to get together .

Joe, let me tell you the gossip. The Speculators really weren’t that good; they only knew one or two songs. A new guy named Ben Bernanke came and made us all straighten up and fly right. He raised the price of money. Fortunately, it looks like he stopped. The sellers are all in a fog now. They don’t know how the price of their homes isn’t logical to someone like you BUT…they’re starting to get the message. The builders? Fuhgedaboutit.

I think we’re all in bit in a fog but we’ll be partying again soon. I know that you’re hearing all kinds of bad things from those dudes at the newspapers, and the TV, and on blogs on the internet but you have to remember that they are spectators not players. In the meantime, you have a pretty good chance to be first in line when the new band gets cranked up. They’ve got kind of gloomy sound but you might like them. They’re called “The Foreclosures”. I heard them back in the 90s and man they are even better than “The Speculators“. I hear they’re back for their “Together Again Tour”. I promise you that you won’t want to miss their show!

I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you come on in and see me or another mortgage broker. We’ve toned things down a lot since the last party. We’re not letting the underage kids get into the party with those exotic loans anymore. Dude, that was nuts! Now we actually care if you can make the payments. We’ll get you pre-approved with some sane terms and find you a payment you can afford. We’ll introduce you to some really cool Realtors who also learned a lesson from the last party.

These Realtors totally rock! When “The Foreclosures” start playing, they’ll get you front row seats below face value. All we have to do is ask them to low-ball the sellers. Those sellers are in such a fog and are so scared of “ The Foreclosures: Together Again Tour” that they’ll bail and you’ll get a SWEET deal!

Joe, we really miss you. We’ll make sure to listen to you. You’ve been so good to us in the past and without you, there just isn’t any party! Call me or just leave your number here. I’m looking forward to seeing you again!

Source: Brian Brady is a Managing Director of a mortgage banking firm and hasn’t been to a “frat party” in 20 years. He is San Diego’s most opinionated mortgage broker and fancies himself a humorist.

Click here to Search the complete Phoenix Metro area MLS for FREE. Bette Zerba – GRI, and Trisha Brooks, GRI Re/Max, are ready to help you find that Phoenix metro area new home, sell your home, or look for commercial property. With today’s real estate market, bank owned, REO, Foreclosures, you need a Realtor who is knowledgeable, can negotiate and is ethical. You also need a sense of humor, and Bette Zerba, and Trisha Brooks not only will meet your real estate needs, but also will make you smile. It’s A Great Day In Phoenix Real Estate! Put a smile on your face, Call Bette 602-791-1766 and Trish 602-618-3053 today .

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Mortgage Humor. Loan Officer Heaven or Hell

admin — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:11:00 +0000

A Little Mortgage Humor. Loan Officer Heaven or Hell

A loan officer died and went up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates to present himself for admittance to Heaven.

Peter said, “You did a lot of good helping people get into homes and you donated lot to charity and worked
on that Habitat house. But you told too many fibs to the underwriters and were unkind to your processor. We aren’t sure where you are going to fit. So we’ve decided to show you around both Heaven and Hell and see where you feel more comfortable.”

As they toured Heaven, the loan officer really liked the big mansions and the streets paved with gold, but the harp music got on his nerves.

Then when they showed him around Hell, he noticed everyone had their choice of playing golf or tennis, hanging out by the pool, smoking and drinking, or dancing and playing cards in the clubhouse.

He told St. Peter, “Oh, this is going to be hard! Can I sleep on it?”

So he was allowed to think it over during the night. The next morning they asked him for his decision.

He quickly replied, “Oh please send me to Hell!”

So they opened up the doors to Hell, but the whole picture had changed! It was just like you have always heard
with fire and brimstone! People were burning and being tortured and screaming!

Oh it was so hot and horrible!! “Hey, that’s not what you showed me yesterday!!” the loan officer cried.
St. Peter’s cold reply: “You should have locked-in yesterday!”

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Real Estate Downfall Humor Video

admin — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:00:00 +0000

Ok, at first I was unsure about this clip. But what they did was take a portion of the German film called Downfall (which, by the way was excellent) and placed in subtitles dealing with the real estate downfall. Sure, we all despise the main character, but even as a Jew ( i am the web master for this blog), I did find this funny.

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Mortgage Meltdown Music Video

admin — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:43:00 +0000

Mortgage Meltdown Music Video

Neighborhood kids rock out on an original song about the current financial crisis. Lyrics: They talk about balloons and the bubbles that burst. First things got bad now they’ve gotten much worse. Money was CHEAP and prices got higher and optimisitic greed gave fuel to the fire of this MORTGAGE MELTDOWN….. look at the signs around town. Does this mess rememble the falling of Rome? When all some people wanted was a place to call home. Does blame fall on professionals or those who take chance, and led us to the fire of the devil’s victory dance in this MORTGAGE MELTOWN…look at the signs around town. They say that we’ll recover but it’s gonna take time. The PERFECT STORMS above us and we’re paying for our crime. Can we learn a lesson? Can we take this to the bank? In the middle of the party is when the TITANIC SANK. MORTGAGE MELTDOWN…look at the signs around town.

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Mortgage Application Tips

admin — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:43:00 +0000

Applying for a mortgage tips. How to get that mortage interview.

Applying for a home mortgage can be an overwhelming and stressful experience. But with the right knowledge, you can make a tremendous difference to the outcome of your initial mortgage application interview. Follow our proven tips for mastering that ominous interview with the bank and be on your way to home ownership before you know it.

Attire - Your usual clothing ensemble of track pants, NASCAR T-shirt and flip-flop sandals are inadequate for such a meeting. Similarly, clothes with vomit, blood and other bodily fluid stains (or that shirt you’re wearing right now with all of these stains) fare poorly during mortgage interviews. For a better alternative, think back to the clothes you wore at the last funeral you went to, except less drab. Find your best shirt and pants, crack open that unused box of detergent in the basement, learn to use your laundry machine and voila, you’re promoted from street puke to a member of the general populous.

Body Odors – Profuse sweating is the body’s natural response to situations of being %$#@ over with 30 pages of mortgage contracts to sign, this is normal. What’s abnormal is just how putrid the body odors emitting from your rank arm pits are. Wearing deodorant is highlyrecommended.
Breath – The fact that your breath smells like a distillery’s sewer from the several shots of rye earlier this morning is not promising. Then again, neither is the alcohol seeping from your pores from the night before, but there is little you can do about that at this point. While brushing your teeth will help lessen the sharp and distinct cocktail of raw alcohol, garlic bread, onion soup and blue cheese you consumed the night before, you really need to gargle mouth wash one step below “im going to kill myself with industrial solvents”.

Personality – Jokes about “Oh, you mean you want me to pay this money back?” or “If you think my ex-wife has a hard time getting alimony, you should see my track record on mortgages! Har dee har har.” are certain death for any hopes of a mortgage. This humor is comparable to the old “There is a bomb in my suitcase” joke at the airport, which ends with equally poor results. Your repertoire of off-colored political, racial and religious jokes are also going to have dire consequences. Think back to your amateur stand up performance with your child’s school enrolment officer, and the subsequent 45 minute bus ride your kid now takes daily to a different school as a result.

Language – Your normal slang riddled ebonics ”I’ve just stepped out of a rap freestyle contest” conversations will certainly hurt your chances for a mortgage. Try learning some words greater than four letters in length and forming complete sentences while discussing the mortgage with your bank representative.

Intended Use – Your planned use of the property as a grow-op, rave venue, porn shoot locale or arms smuggling depot may best not be discussed during the meeting. Banks sometimes prefer less risky investments.

Security – As just mentioned, banks tend to be adverse to risk. So when asked about your other financial commitments and your track record of timely payment, refrain from comments such as “I took them to the cleaners” or “They never saw me coming”. You want to instill a feeling of security in the people whom will be loaning you the money, and such comments may lessen that security. While asking questions is a good thing to do, limit questions such as “What if I don’t feel like paying anymore?” and “Suppose I decided to embrace a more alternative lifestyle half way through?”.

Addictions – It may not be an opportune time to disclose your unquenchable additions to gambling, porn and illicit drugs. Limit the discussion about yourself to topics that are deemed by society as desirable traits, if you have any. If not, refrain from talking unless absolutely necessary. In terms of appearance, dozens of track marks up your arms and glazed over eyes with bags under them are red flags. Wear a long sleeve shirt and if possible abstain from blowing your mortgage deposit money at the casino or snorting lines of crack off your coffee table 24 hours prior to the interview. Drug dependants and casino junkies tend to fall into the “high risk” category.

With all this useful knowledge under your belt, you’re ready to take on that mortgage interview with confidence and a superb chance of accomplishing your goal. Good luck!

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The Mortgage Letter

admin — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:42:00 +0000

To Whom It May Concern:

After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not yet brought up (but probably will).

I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever members of the Communist Party. I was born seven months after my parents were married. I hope this doesn’t disqualify me for the mortgage, I will have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

I am not a bed wetter or a terrorist.

I have no religious affiliation. If this is a problem, I will get a letter from a priest, minister, and rabbi stating they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.

I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account that I reported having $8,000. I guess if the underwriters find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks and investments, I never will get the mortgage. I also want to apologize for only putting $55,000 down on a $115,000 house. I’m really concerned because my wife and I are earning only $78,000 this year. If you decide this is not enough, I will be happy to take a part time job at night at Roy Rogers. I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send you a letter if you feel it is necessary.

I am a registered Republican. I know this may not sit well with the underwriters who are Democrats. My only defense for this is anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing $600 custom made suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made shirts, wearing a $2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier watch, carrying a $265 cigarette case and a $400 attache case he is either a Republican or a dope dealer. I am not a dope dealer and will send you a letter stating so if you feel it is necessary.

There are three things that concern me:

When you buy a mattress there is a label that says “Do not remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment”. I’m sorry! It was a rash, impulsive thing for me to do. I was only a kid at the time. I promise I will never do it again.

In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to Sears. She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send you a letter explaining why she can’t send a letter explaining her delinquency if you feel it is necessary.

On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket. I will certainly send a letter on this one. However, the real problem is that the police officer who issued the summons was divorced. I have requested that he send a copy of his divorce decree and separation agreement to you. I hope this will suffice.

In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person who took my original application, the underwriting staff, your appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and the president of your company for granting me this loan. God willing, we will make it to the settlement table and we will realize the American Dream and live in our own home!

Click here to Search the complete Phoenix Metro area MLS for FREE. Bette Zerba – GRI, Re/Max, is ready to help you find that Phoenix metro area new home, sell your home, or look for commercial property. With today’s real estate market, bank owned, REO, Foreclosures, you need a Realtor who is knowledgeable, can negotiate and is ethical. You also need a sense of humor, and Bette Zerba not only will meet your real estate needs, but also will make you smile. It’s A Great Day In Phoenix Real Estate! Put a smile on your face, Call Bette today 602-791-1766.

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Closing Escrow

admin — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 13:16:00 +0000

Closing Escrow – A real estate comedy

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Real Estate Illegality. Mortgage Illegal Warnings

admin — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:33:00 +0000

Real Estate Illegality. Mortgage Illegal Warnings

A den of real estate illegality?
Here are some warning signs your mortgage guy wasn’t entirely legal.

According to FBI statements released last week, the metro area is a mortgage-fraud hotbed. That’s the technical term: hotbed. This won’t surprise anyone who’s watched the real estate market in the last few years. You could scrawl a made-up Social Security number on a lawn gnome and roll him into some mortgage offices, and he’d get a loan. Are you the victim of hotbed-related mortgage fraud? Here are some warning signs your mortgage guy wasn’t entirely legal:

• Accepted Monopoly money and gold-foil-covered chocolates at closing for the down payment.

• Would leave the closing every 10 minutes to wipe off the tanning beds in the next room.

• Used air quotes when asking if you had a “job.”

• Let you use a stuffed animal to co-sign the loan.

• Gave you a loan below market interest rates based on nothing more than a phone call from the lender’s CEO and concluded the closing by saying, “Nice to meet you, Senator.”

• Asked if you would be interested in buying six other houses now, as long as we’re here and we have the pens out and everything.

• Most telling sign your mortgage may not have been on the up and up: They lent you more money than you could ever pay back to buy a house you could not possibly afford.

Hah! Just kidding. That last one’s perfectly legal.
Source:Star Tribune

Click here to Search the complete Phoenix Metro area MLS for FREE. Bette Zerba – GRI, Re/Max, is ready to help you find that Phoenix metro area new home, sell your home, or look for commercial property. With today’s real estate market, bank owned, REO, Foreclosures, you need a Realtor who is knowledgeable, can negotiate and is ethical. You also need a sense of humor, and Bette Zerba not only will meet your real estate needs, but also will make you smile. It’s A Great Day In Phoenix Real Estate! Put a smile on your face, Call Bette today 602-791-1766.

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Bank manager Problems. Letter To Bank Manager

admin — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:14:00 +0000

Bank manager Problems. Letter To Bank Manager

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for”

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,
Your humble client

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Clinton at the Bank Trying To Buy Real Estate

admin — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:10:00 +0000

Clinton at the Bank Trying To Buy Real Estate

If President Clinton has had to do it like the rest of us… this is how it SHOULD have gone:

Hi, Mrs. and Mrs. Clinton.

So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place? That is 2.2 million and with the customary 20 percent down ($440,000) leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000.

Now, let’s have a look at your financial statements…

Let’s see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000… perhaps a nice brick home?

I see here that you will be out of a job in 6 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library?

In Little Rock, Arkansas? Yes, dawgies.. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker?

Mrs. Clinton, you are running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year , so even with your pension you are still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Have you considered a nice center hall colonial?

Mrs. Clinton, you haven’t worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work? You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? Yes, Ma’am, I have no doubt they all lacked your superior vision.

But you do have other experience? That is good. Oh yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Let us see… what about this Whitewater Development Corporation?

Oh, I see. It went bankrupt. Well then, how about Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale though. Uh-huh.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. That is unfortunate. I note that three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing.

I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay.

Now, any problems in your marriage? No? Oh, good.

Let’s look at your assets: You owe $4.5 million. Mr. Clinton, how do you plan to pay that off? Oh! You are hoping people will donate to a special fun. So basically you’re relying on the kindness of strangers to bail you out? How nice.

You also have some serious expenses at present. A kind at Stanford has got to be setting your back $30,000 to $35,000 a year – probably more with airfares. And she wants to go to medical school? Rack up some major bucks.

Any legal problems? Oh, dear. I see a $90,000 fine for perjury, along with possible disbarment. I guess that pretty much rules out any income in the future working as an attorney, doesn’t it?

Sir, are there any other legal matte we should know about Mrs. Clinton? You do no think she is going to get hit with a perjury of obstruction of justice rap. But you are not totally sure? Interesting. That mean there’s a remote possibility – note that I say “remote” – that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the fed and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock. Hmmmmm.. (This is probably why he want to raise the minimum wage.)

By the way, I have to ask, How do we know you are not lying on your loan application? (Of course, if you WERE lying, I guess it would look a lot better. We will keep that in mind.)

Okay, let us review the situation:

One of you in now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income (that you are hoping someone is going to come along and pay) and looming criminal indictments. And your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford…

Thanks. We will be in touch.

THE BANK.

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